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Well, folks, let me tell ya, there are so many dang shark deterrents out there, it’s enough to make your head spin! Now, if you’re shelling out a hundred bucks or more, you gotta do your due diligence and compare all the damn pros and cons of these damn products. So, in order to lend a helping hand, the fine folks at Shark Bio Barrier have gone ahead and compiled a list of all the most popular and hyped-up shark deterrents. Now, I hope our competitors don’t get their panties all up in a bunch about this, but hey, we gotta give the people the information they need, right? You gotta make an educated decision and all that jazz. Now listen, I’m just gonna come right out and say it – there ain’t no foolproof shark deterrent on the market today. I mean, if there was, you’d think the US Navy and all them other navies and coast guards would be usin’ it, right? Alright, now let’s dive into these dang deterrents.

First up, we got this thing called “shark banz.” Now, it’s pretty dang popular and you’ll find it plastered all over the good ol’ internet. It’s basically a plastic wristband with these rare earth magnets inside. You can wear it on your wrist or even on your ankle. Now, here’s the thing – these shark banz are real nice ‘n colorful, which, in my book, ain’t such a good thing. See, sharks like to chow down on fish, and you know what? Fish can be mighty colorful. So, it’s like we’re playin’ right into their slimy fins. But hey, the company ain’t tryin’ to appeal to them sharks, they’re tryin’ to appeal to us humans, the ones shelling out the dough. These shark banz claim that them powerful magnets will mess with the shark’s electric sensory organs and confuse ’em. Now, that’s a mighty interestin’ theory, but it’s dang near impossible to recreate that effect consistently. Plus, there’s even a video of a shark munchin’ down on one of these shark banz. Now, imagine havin’ that thing attached to your hand – that’s a serious problem right there, I tell ya. Oh, and don’t get me started on the disclaimers they got on their website. They got more legal talk than a courtroom, let me tell ya. They say them magnetic waves can disrupt a shark’s electric sensory organ, but those sharks will learn real quick that it ain’t no threat after havin’ repeated encounters. In other words, they’ll just start ignorin’ it, plain and simple. Now, since this here product is shipped outta Amazon, I reckon it’s safe to assume it’s made in China, considerin’ Amazon’s fulfillment and all. And here’s another thing to chew on – not all rare earth magnets are created equal. Some are stronger than others and can hold onto their magnetic properties better in the long run. So, keep all that in mind, folks.

Next on the list is somethin’ called “shark shield.” Now, this one’s an electronic device that comes in three different models. According to their fancy website, “Shark Shield consists of two electrodes which, when both are submerged, emit a three-dimensional electronic field that surrounds the user.” So, when a shark gets within a few meters of this Shark Shield thingamajig, it starts zappin’ ’em with strong electronic pulses. Now, they claim it don’t harm the sharks, just gives ’em a whole lotta discomfort. From their testin’, they found that the closer the shark is to the Shark Shield, the more spasms it gets in its snout, and eventually, it turns away from the electronic field, protectin’ the user. Sounds great on paper, right? But here’s the deal – them sharks ain’t dumb. They’ll learn real quick that this field ain’t gonna hurt ’em, and they might even get more agitated ’cause of it messin’ with their electric sensory organs. Plus, them models for surfers, skin divers, and scuba divers? Well, they ain’t cheap, folks. And here’s what the company conveniently fails to mention – salt water can be mighty corrosive. So, if this electronic device ain’t built to withstand the wrath of the ocean, it ain’t gonna last long. Now, y’all think the US Navy would be usin’ this thing if it was reliable? I reckon not.

Alright, movin’ right along, we got this one called “shark shocker.” It also uses them rare earth magnets, except this time, they’re all packed into a wristband. They claim there’s five of them powerful magnets in there, made with this here rare earth neodymium stuff. Now, just like them shark banz, this thing makes similar claims, but with little concrete evidence to back it up. See, the problem is, sharks are mighty smart creatures, and if they’re exposed to this shocker more than once, they might just start ignorin’ it like it ain’t nothin’. Now, I reckon this product is made in China too, considerin’ how many rare earth magnets they got over there, but who’s to say for sure?

Now, let’s talk about somethin’ called “shark stopper.” It’s an acoustical device that’s meant to repel them sharks. It sends out all sorts of sounds, includin’ the ones them killer whales make. Supposedly, them sharks hear them sounds and get the heck outta Dodge. Now, that sounds all fine and dandy, but here’s the thing – them killer whales, or Orcas, are only found in the Pacific Ocean. So, if them sharks ain’t encountered them Orcas before, they ain’t gonna give two hoots about them acoustical noises. And here’s another kicker – this here shark stopper is an electronic device. You think it’s gonna last long in salt water? I highly doubt it. Plus, it’s mighty expensive. Now, durability is somethin’ y’all should definitely be askin’ about before puttin’ down your hard-earned cash. And let’s not forget that them sharks are mighty unpredictable. Water currents, depth, feedin’ frenzy – all them factors make ’em hard to figure out. Now, where them necronomes, or dead shark flesh, come from is another question to chew on. They gotta kill sharks to get them chemicals, and that just seems counterproductive, don’t it?

Alright, we’re near the end now, folks. Number seven on this list is somethin’ called “shark tec.” It’s an aerosol can that contains necronomes, which apparently repel them sharks. Now, these necronomes are extracts of rotten shark flesh, mind ya. So, when you spray this can, it creates a cloud of these chemicals. Now, their research seems to be focused on them reef sharks and small bull sharks, and it worked for a while, according to their tests. But here’s the kicker – them sharks they tested on ain’t the real predators, like them adult bull sharks, tiger sharks, ocean white tips, and, of course, the Great White. You see, them predators are ambushin’ sons of guns, and by the time ya even know they’re there, it’s too late. Now, there’s another issue ya gotta think about – where do them necronomes come from? Dead shark flesh, that’s what. So, how are they harvestin’ them sharks and how many of ’em do they need to keep makin’ this chemical extract? Seems like a cycle of killin’ sharks just to repel ’em, don’t it?

Last but not least, we got this one called “chillax surf wax.” It’s made with beeswax and infused with all sorts of essential oils. The theory is that if you don’t smell like a snack to them sharks, they won’t be so keen on takin’ a bite outta ya. Now, it’s a good concept, I gotta admit. But here’s the thing – them essential oils are all locked up in that beeswax, and that might affect how well they get released into the water. So, while it sounds nice in theory, who knows where that surf wax is endin’ up? On the bottom of your board or… well, somewhere else.

Alright, there ya have it, folks – a rundown of all them shark deterrents our there. Now, I ain’t sayin’ any of ’em are gonna guarantee your safety from them shark folks, but it’s always good to be informed, right? So, take this here info and make the best decision for yourself. And remember, when you’re out there in the water, you’re in their territory, so be smart, be aware, and stay safe out there, y’all. Happy surfin’!
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Ihab Salloum