Ihab Salloum[ad_1]
DEFINITION OF AN ADULT CHILD:
So, what exactly is an adult child, you may ask? Well, picture this – a grown-up version of a child, but not quite. It’s like they never fully made the transition from childhood to adulthood. Their maturity and development seem stunted in some way. And you might notice that they behave differently too. But how did they end up like this, you wonder?
Let me break it down for you in the words of the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (World Service Organization, 2006, p. xiii) – an adult child is someone who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes. These adults exhibit traits that reveal their past experiences of abuse or neglect. It’s like they carry the scars of their upbringing with them into adulthood.
And it’s not just a physical thing. It goes deeper than that. As the textbook puts it (p. 3), being an adult child means responding to adult interactions with the fear and self-doubt they learned as children. This hidden fear can sabotage their choices and relationships. They might appear confident on the outside, but deep down, they constantly question their worth.
CAUSES OF THE ADULT CHILD SYNDROME:
Now, let’s talk about what causes the adult child syndrome. It’s a mix of various early-life circumstances that come together in complex ways. You see, these adult children might age chronologically, but their emotional, psychological, and neurological development gets stuck in time.
They grew up in unstable and unpredictable homes, filled with power plays that often put them in danger. Their parents couldn’t provide them with the emotional support and love they needed. Sometimes, they were even abandoned, not just physically, but emotionally too.
Tension and unease were ever-present in their homes. The atmosphere was so thick, you could feel it in the air. The disease of alcoholism or dysfunction, passed down from one generation to the next, created a culture of denial and silence. Everyone agreed not to acknowledge the problems that lay beneath the surface.
Any harm or abuse they experienced was justified by their own perceived flaws and inadequacies. They had to survive in a state of hypervigilance, always on the lookout for shame, blame, or attack. Their needs often went unmet by parents who were incapable of meeting them.
The bonds with their parents were fragile, sometimes even broken. How can a child connect with their caregivers when they themselves are shattered? As children, they might have experienced abuse or trauma that they never fully understood, processed, or resolved. It snowballed over time, intensifying the effects and causing disconnection from themselves.
Even as adults, triggers can transport them back to those powerless times when they faced their parents or primary caregivers. These triggers bring back a flood of volatile emotions, leading to disconnection or dissociation as they try to avoid the pain.
The disease’s origins usually remain unknown unless they take corrective action. It all begins with the infection of alcoholic toxins during the first betrayal by a parent, creating vulnerability to an unsafe environment. They were trapped and unable to either escape or fight back.
So, they resorted to a spiritual retreat within themselves, hiding their true selves and creating a false self. This false self can’t connect with others or a Higher Power in any meaningful way. And that’s where the adult child syndrome comes from – unprocessed fears, unresolved wounds, and interrupted development. It’s a disease that affects them in body, mind, and soul.
Children see their home environments as a reflection of the world they’ll enter. If their homes lacked safety, stability, warmth, and trust, they believe the world outside is the same. They grow up with damaged truths and distorted realities. How can they navigate the world when they carry these burdens?
THE BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ADULT CHILD:
Now, let’s talk about the behavioral characteristics that adult children share. It’s like they have an unspoken language that transcends distance, geography, language, and culture. These characteristics are stitched together by fear, adopted by the brain to create a sense of safety.
They call it “the laundry list,” a term coined by an adult child named Tony A. at the first meeting of the Adult Children of Alcoholics fellowship in New York in 1978. As the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (ibid, p. 3) explains, the laundry list describes the thinking and personality of an adult raised in a dysfunctional family.
As children, they were affected in body, mind, and spirit by the alcoholism or dysfunction in their families. Their bodies stored the trauma, neglect, and rejection, resulting in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Their minds developed these laundry list traits or a false self to survive. And their true connection to a Higher Power, their inner child, went into hiding.
The laundry list consists of 14 survival traits that adult children unknowingly adapted to cope with their upbringing. They carry these traits into the outside world, expecting the same behaviors and interactions they experienced with their parents. These traits restricted their development but also protected them when they needed it. They became ingrained in their subconscious, used without conscious awareness.
But what’s more important than the traits themselves is how and why they create a perception of safety later in life.
THE FIRST SURVIVAL TRAIT:
The first trait reads, “We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.” This trait stems from the belief that those they interact with later in life are just like their abusive parents. It’s like they see their parents’ faces in everyone they encounter, especially if there are physical or personality resemblances. When someone holds a higher position of power, they feel relegated to a victim role.
This dynamic was introduced to them at a young age, and they expect similar harmful interactions with others. They anticipate even less regard from strangers because they neither know them nor owe them anything. They don’t question if others will harm them, but when they will.
It’s because they lived with a deep, but hidden fear of their unpredictable and abusive parents. They had no choice but to remain under their detrimental care. This fear originated from the betrayal by their parents, which shifted the family dynamic from one of care and protection to one of harm and abuse.
As the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (ibid, p. 10) emphasizes, adult children live a secret life of fear. Fear is the thread that connects the 14 traits together. Even if they appear cheerful or self-sufficient on the outside, most adult children live in fear of their parents, spouses, and even employers.
Before they enter recovery and gain an understanding of their condition, they navigate the world with a sense of impending doom. They feel like something catastrophic or life-threatening is about to happen, even if they can’t pinpoint what it is. That feeling of doom stems from the unresolved parental betrayal that bred their mistrust of others in the first place.
But deeper than fear, lies their deep-seated belief that they are flawed and inadequate. They fear abandonment because they believe their flaws and shortcomings will inevitably lead to rejection.
When we talk about authority figures, we’re not just referring to those in positions of power like policemen or judges. It includes anyone who appears more powerful or superior, physically or otherwise. It triggers a regression to a time when they felt helpless and powerless. And their parents, of course, were the original authority figures in their lives.
THE SECOND SURVIVAL TRAIT:
The second characteristic arises from a need for approval and the loss of their own identity in the process. Adult children become approval seekers, seeking validation from others at the cost of their own individuality.
This trait stems from the void they feel inside, the empty space where their true identity should be. They never fully developed their identities because they learned to prioritize the needs and expectations of others. The adult child believes that their worth is tied to external validation.
So, they seek approval constantly, clinging to the opinions and appraisals of others. Their own desires, dreams, and goals are sacrificed in the pursuit of acceptance. They define themselves based on how others perceive them, losing touch with their authentic selves.
And as the “Adult Children of Alcoholics” textbook (ibid, p. xxvi) points out, the trauma, neglect, and rejection they experienced as children were stored in their bodies. Their minds developed these laundry list traits or false selves to cope with the pain. Their true connection to a Higher Power, their inner child, went into hiding.
These are just the first two traits in the laundry list, but they provide a glimpse into the complex world of adult children. Their experiences shape their behavior and perception of the world around them. And understanding these traits is crucial to supporting and helping adult children on their journey to healing and recovery.
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